Words...

I have been working on my capstone project for my masters the last week and a half.  Last night I realized how stressed I was.  I could not think, I was not productive, I was a complete mess.  I called my dad late that night and I didn’t have to say anything, he could tell I was stressed.  My mom and dad prayed for me over the phone and they encouraged me to relax and rest with God. So I did…

I turned off the lights and started playing worship music.  I began to write in my personal journal.  I started writing all of my weaknesses as a man, all of my flaws as a Christian, and all of my struggles as a human (it was a long list).  Then I heard a voice “I am…”

I then began to write the things that I need (again, a long list).  I wrote the things I need to finish school, the things I need to be a better Christian, and the things that I need to live a life of purpose.  I heard the same voice “I know…”

The third list l wrote were things that I need sharpened, things that I need in order to follow my dreams, and finish the task at hand and the tasks that will come.  The same voice said “I will…”

After I had written all of lists I sat quietly on the floor, listening to music, and repeating what I heard “I am, I know, I will” over and over…

The Lord said to me “Nick, I am stronger than your struggles.  I am stronger than your weaknesses. I am your God. I am your creator. I am here.  I am!” 

He said “Nick, I know what you need.  I know your gifts. I know your weaknesses.  I know the plans I have for you.  I know you better than you know yourself. I know!”

He continued “Nick, I will provide. I will always be here.  I will always be with you.  I will never leave you.  I will never forsake you.  I will light your path.  I will give you what you need.  I will give you more dreams. I will do great things through you. I will!”

“I am Stronger, hide in Me. I know your needs, rest in Me. I will provide, lean on Me.”

I have had conversations with friends who are in this “not-knowing season”, and we all agree that we are ready for this season to change.  So… to everyone who is tired, frustrated, clueless, broken, scared and insecure, take comfort knowing that we serve the ONLY LOVING God.  He is, He knows, and He will.

God Bless.

I am not too fond of posting spontaneous writings.  I like to rethink a lot of the words or phrases that I write, but this post is not like that. I’m free styling?  I apologize (to the few who actually read what I write) if this seems sporadic or unorganized,because it is. This is what is on my mind…

I woke up this working at 7:45 am. I have work at 8. I get to my desk and I forgot that I was assigned a “special project” last week (this project has no end to it, and I’m not even sure if it is actually necessary).  Not that this “project” caused me to start thinking this way, I think it was just the tipping point… 

I’ve been in Tulsa, Oklahoma for 15 months.  If you have read my previous blogs you will know what it’s been like for me, so I won’t explain that…again.  

…Back to this morning.  As I am sitting at my desk contemplating how fast I should work on this meaningless project, I began to dwell on the questions I have been asking since my move to Tulsa.  ”What am I doing with my life?”, “What am I passionate about?”, “What in the heck am I made for?”.  further procrastination from my special project led me to dictionary.com and biblegateway.com.  

Purpose -the reason for which something exists or is done, made,used, 

 I started really thinking about what my purpose on this earth is.  I couldn’t answer the question(s). I’ve been asking that question for a long time.  My inability to answer this question has created a gloomy depression that is showing itself in my interaction with friends, my attitude, and the way I view life. It sucks. I know that I want to change the world, or make an impact somehow.  I want to live a life that is fulfilling and worthwhile.  My time in Tulsa doesn’t seem fulfilling or worthwhile, it’s not fun, and i’m not passionate about anything I am doing.  (Gosh, Nick, you sure complain a lot…)

I did mention another website…biblegateway.com.  I typed “trials” in the search bar, and I came across this verse:

 ⁶ So be truly glad.^[b] There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. ⁷ These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold.

I was a bit disappointed.  It told me to be glad.  I don’t want to be glad.  I want to cry, complain, and just hide…blah. 
Reading this verse, or writing this blog hasn’t helped me answer my questions.  It hasn’t helped me find a purpose or a passion.  However, it has helped me to realize that trials are necessary for a long-term, purpose-filled life.  Trials are temporary.  Sucky-seasons will pass.  
It made me realize I need a new perspective on what I am going through, a God perspective (super cheesy, but true).  Yeah, it sucks.  Storms from afar are majestic, breath-taking and amazing.  Being in a storm can be scary and frustrating.  After the storm, the things that weren’t strong are usually destroyed. But there is a strange calmness, a clean smell, and a feeling of joy.

Encouragement for you (I am talking to myself, too).  If you’re in the midst of a “storm” or trial, try to get a God perspective (I know, it’s not easy).  The trial you are battling will pass, the storm you are in will soon be calm. God knows what He is doing, and He knows that what is left standing in the calm will be something that is much stronger than before.  Try not to dwell on the inability to answer questions (I don’t mean stop asking), but know that God knows what you need and what you’re feeling.  The storm(trial) has a purpose, and God has a good perspective. 

It’s been exactly a year since my last blog.  For all the people who read my posts (Mom, Dad and Amy!) I am still in Tulsa and I have one more year of Grad School. Praise the Lord! So… my time in Tulsa has been a difficult one.  Ever have those seasons where you question EVERYTHING and sometimes wonder if you’re turning into an atheist?  Yeah, that’s what I have been going through (No worries, I’m definitely not an atheist).  I have met many interesting people in Tulsa and I have had many conversations.  I have also come to realize that there is a big difference between acquaintances and friends. Coming into Tulsa I knew that I was starting a “new chapter” in life, but I didn’t realize that is was going to be a “beat down”.  I remember I walked into a church here in Tulsa and the pastor was preaching on faith.  ”I never go to the doctor because I have faith” he said (The “beat down” begins).  Instantly my thoughts went racing through my head: “Crap, I’ve been sick and I went to the doctor.  Do I not have faith?”  Consequently, the subject of faith has been the question that I have been trying to answer the past year.  What does having faith mean?  I am not claiming to know all of the answers, but I do know that I have learned a lot.  First of all, I (you and everyone) live in a fallen world.  Once Adam and Eve disobeyed God, they messed it up for all humankind.  They sinned and death is a result of that sin (we all know that).  Thanks to God’s mercy and love He sent HIs Son to die for all of us, and this is the foundation of the Christian faith.  My struggle… Does having faith really make everything easy? Does it make us prosperous in this world? Does it mean that nothing can harm us?The Bible… Job was a man of faith.  He lost EVERYTHING (family, possessions, etc) Physical pain covered him, yet his faith was strong.   

Hebrews 11:35 “There were others who were tortured, refusing to be released so that they might gain an even better resurrection.³⁶ Some faced jeers and flogging, and even chains and imprisonment. ³⁷ They were put to death by stoning;^[e] they were sawed in two; they were killed by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated— ³⁸ the world was not worthy of them. They wandered in deserts and mountains, living in caves and in holes in the ground. ³⁹ These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised, ⁴⁰ since God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect.

People of faith have suffered because of their faith, and people of faith will suffer because of their faith.  Being a Christian is not about having a comfortable life.  Jesus says “pick up your cross and follow me”. Don’t get me wrong… having faith does not suck!  Having faith is great!  With faith we can trust that Joy can be found in our suffering, there is peace in our uncertain circumstances, we can find rest in His name and we know that God is ALWAYS FAITHFUL!  Having faith doesn’t mean that our whole existence on this earth is going to consist of suffering, but when we are suffering it does not necessarily mean we don’t have faith.What I am saying… God has promised us a life free of sickness, death, and full of everlasting peace aka Heaven. It is going to be amazing! 

Romans 8:17-18 …But if we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering. Yet what we suffer now is NOTHING compared to the glory he will reveal to us later.

Don’t be discouraged when you go through tough times. Because of this fallen world we suffer. Besides, this small world we live in is not our home.Have a blessed week!

Romans 9:20-21.

Who in the world do you think you are to second-guess God? Do you for one moment suppose any of us knows enough to call God into question? Clay doesn’t talk back to the fingers that mold it, saying, “Why did you shape me like this?” Isn’t it obvious that a potter has a perfect right to shape one lump of clay into a vase for holding flowers and another into a pot for cooking beans?

Have you ever found yourself your saying “Man, if I was like that I would be better” or “Why don’t I have the talents that person does?”  I might be the only person that does this, but I doubt it.  I was blessed with the opportunity to take some kids to a summer church camp.  The time there, was much needed.  I got a new revelation about who I am as a child of God.  For so long I envied everyone else around me.  I was never pleased or satisfied with what I brought to the table.  I was not expecting to get touched by God at a youth camp, but WOW was I shocked!

God gave me a picture.  In this picture  I saw a line of planting pots and a line of cooking pots.  However, the end product didn’t make sense to me.  The plants were in the line with the cooking pots and the cake was in line with planting pots.  THATS WHEN IT HIT ME.  I have been trying so hard to bake a cake with my planting pots.  When all along that isn’t what God has in store for me.  He wants me to plant a garden.

As cheesy as this vision is, it spoke volumes to me.  Why on earth would I not thank God for the talents he has given me?  Why would I not want to work hard and improve the areas where I am weak?  He gave me these talents for a purpose.  To “plant a garden” not “bake a cake.”

So I encourage whoever reads this to 1: thank God for the talents He has given you and 2: don’t look at the person next to you and wish you were doing what they were doing, but to ask and seek God, so he will reveal to you what your pots are suppose to produce.

God Bless!